A TASTE OF THE AFTERMATH: DOOMSDAY DELICACIES

BY CURT CHAPKOWSKI AND PATRICK GIRTS
AFTER THE MAGAZINE STORIES STORE
NOTE: Before cooking any of the following recipes, be sure that your cooking space has adequate ventilation. Otherwise, you’ll die from asphyxiation, which as hard on your lungs as it is to spell. Smoke-filled lungs are bad.
Your lungs need air. Because you need air.
Don’t be that guy.
You know, the guy who died from cooking?
Probably had a stupid name, like Jerry or Glenn?
No one liked him anyway.
Twinkie Soufflé You will need: 4 teaspoons of Crisco
12 Hostess Twinkies
Pinch of salt
4 tablespoons of powdered egg whites 4 tablespoons of powdered egg yolks ½ cup of water
About 10-14 softball-sized stones Thin metal grate or other improvisation used to hold cookware over fire Soufflé dish, or unglazed* terra cotta flower pot *Cooking with a glazed pot will poison you. Also, the food will taste awful. Medium-sized bowl Medium saucepan Wood Matches or lighter Whisker or similar utensil used for blending Start by assembling your fire pit, the cornerstone of any post-apocalyptic chef’s kitchen. Stack the softball-sized stones in a circle about 18 inches high. Any lower may scorch your limited resources. Use the wood you’ve gathered to start a small fire, then place the metal grate on top of the pit. Make sure it won’t wobble around while cooking, because ashy Twinkies will make you hate your post-doomsday life even more than you already do. Grease your cooking receptacle with two teaspoons of Crisco, about half a teaspoon more if you’re using the flowerpot. It was made for flowers, not food. Survivors can’t be choosers. Slice the Twinkies in half lengthwise, then remove and reserve the cream filling. In a separate container, combine the Twinkie cakes, half the filling, and the remaining Crisco. Mash the mixture until it has reached the consistency of a thin batter, kind of like the batter for those terrible “just add water” pancakes you used to make, because let’s face it, the end of the world certainly hasn’t improved your cooking. Transfer the ingredients to a medium saucepan and cook over low heat. Stir in salt, and then remove from heat. Beat in powdered egg yolks, one tablespoon at a time, and keep on beating as you throw more in.
In a medium-sized bowl, combine the powdered egg whites and water. Combine the egg whites with the saucepan mixture, then pour all of it into your greased soufflé dish. Stick with it, you’re almost done crafting something edible. Cook the mixture over your fire for about 45 minutes, or until it’s puffed and golden brown. Top the soufflé with the remaining Twinkie cream. Enjoy your doomsday delicacy, preferably alone.